The Beautiful Mess of Working With Fellow Humans

There’s a psychological feature of your brain that is the best storyteller you’ve ever heard, and understanding how it works is crucial to helping yourself and others.

A Morning in the Wild

As I started my morning walk, a batch of teenagers sleepy eyed shuffle around or sit talking with one another. One by one I do a custom check-in with each of them encouraging them to set some intent for their day. I get the usual amalgamation of answers. 

A few students, the usual gang of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed go-getters, respond in a chipper fully awake voice, “I have two tests to study for, and a few math problems. The morning is for study but in the afternoon I can wrap up the math.” Though their ambition is optimistic, I know roughly only half of what they said will likely occur, but it's all too human to overestimate what we can do with our time. Perfectionism is rife in this group, but they are sharp and can often execute their intention. I make a note for follow-ups to make sure their ambition doesn't become the enemy of execution.

Another few students manage a mumble or a polite stare. The coffee hasn’t kicked in and they likely sacrificed too much sleep at the expense of all their morning classes. Their looks tell me enough. “I’m here, I’m dressed, and I am giving the best I got with what I have. Save the inspirational TED talk for the afternoon.” Laziness could be a simple label I apply here, but I know these kids better than that. I note some follow-up reminders for myself and move on.

Several others give the most pleasant answer they can, but the subtext is clear, “I am not doing anything, but probably need to be doing something. However, it's too early to be thinking about stressful things right now.” 

Most of these are not direct quotes, but a translation coming from my work with student speak. Immersion is the best way to learn a language. Other educators watch what I do from afar and sometimes ask how I stay calm when given vague answers or outright lies. Psychology and experience are the short answers, but there is much more to it. 

Too Quick to Judge

Seven years as a teacher and coach have rewarded me with a few definitive conclusions. Firstly, people are beings of great potential, but it takes time, space, and understanding to realize the best parts of who we are.

But potential being realized is rarely an orderly process, thus working with people is a messy game and teenagers are some of the messiest. They are typically the most turbulent human beings adults encounter and are mislabeled as troublesome, bullshitters, and irrational. But they also represent a real-life example of how two truths can co-exist. They are aggravation and inspiration all rolled up into one beautiful raw picture of what it is to be a human being. 

Rapport building is like a superpower. Do it right and as you get to know someone, you get to know their way of thinking, their way of seeing the world, and most importantly how they make sense of themselves within environments.  A lot of teenagers have a dichotomy or righteous way of seeing things, and it can lead to further mislabeling. Adults often respond by oversimplifying their behavior and moving on with their day. You’ll often hear things like lazy, aloof, distracted, immature, behavior problem, obnoxious, extreme, or misguided. Most of these overly simplistic labels miss the whole point.

The Truth Factory

I was intrigued early in my career when I noticed many students weren’t lying to avoid a tough conversation. They appeared to genuinely believe the commitments they made and were just as disappointed as I was, sometimes more, when they failed to meet them. When I experience an intriguing common issue in my work, I turn to psychology to help me understand. Then I innovate my solution-based coaching accordingly. The result is a powerful new way to understand human behavior in daily life.  

Dr. Michael Gazzaniga became most famous for his work with split-brain patients. He performed corpus colostomies, or a severing of the right and left brain communication,  in an effort to alleviate extreme epilepsy symptoms. In many cases, the patients appeared fine after, but Gazzaniga was not convinced there were no side effects of such a dramatic procedure. His intuition led him to a series of experiments and a major discovery. There is a bundle of neurons in the left brain he labeled as the interpreter. Gotschall labeled this interpreter as the ‘truth factory” of the brain and it's a “know-it-all” whose sole job is to help you make sense of your world. 

Gazzaniga asserted, “The interpreter is only as good as the information it gets.” Most of the time it gets the story right or mostly right, and we move on with our day. But even when it gets it wrong, or operates with a complete lack of accurate information, it still comes up with a convincing story that we take as truth. 

When I picture a little truth factory in the heads of my students, most of my initial emotional reaction to their seemingly irrational behavior dissipates. Young adults are going through a period of neurological growth second only to when they were infants. To assume this has no effect on their truth factory would be folly. Their truth factory is literally under construction while I work with them as students. This is going to produce messy results when it comes to them making sense of their actions and the consequences that result. Here are some broader patterns I have noticed in the last semester alone:

Perfectionist: 

Me: Why didn’t you turn in the work that was pretty much complete? It looks workable. 

Student: It's not done yet. 

Student’s Truth Factory: Your work is imperfect, therefor you are imperfect. Your teachers expect perfection. Don’t turn that trash in. 

Me: Alright, let's wrap it up and turn it in. Getting something in is better than nothing. You got this. 

Student: Ok, will do. 

Student’s TF: He doesn’t get it. The teacher will tear you apart. We’re not turning this in. 

Student [to brain]: Ok. *Promptly doesn’t turn in completed work.

Down With the Man:

Me: What's our top priority today? I know you are a little behind, but let's make a plan.  

Student: I could work on these assignments. I'll try. 

Student’s Truth Factory: This work is pointless. It's just those in authority giving you busy work. Don’t waste your time. We have better things to do. 

Me: Ok, let's make the most of today.  I'll check in a bit. 

Student: Ok *Promptly allows instant gratification to steer the ship

*Later that day

Me: I noticed these things didn’t get done today. Tell me about that. 

Student: I ran out of time and tomorrow I have some time. I'll knock it out then. 

Student’s TF: The work was pointless in the first place. Let’s just bring this up in class and we can figure it out from there. I am sure it will all work out.

The Procrastinator 

Me: Looks like the to-do list is a little long. What's our game plan?

Student’s TF: C'mon. We have vast amounts of time. We will get this done. We always do. Besides, we get our best work done when under pressure. There is no reason to start this too soon. 

Student: I am going to get these 10 things done tonight. I do my best work at night anyways.

Me: That sounds audacious and you had a hard time meeting commitments like this previously. Are you sure that's your best game plan?

Student [to brain]: He says we haven’t been able to honor commitments before. I thought you said we always get out of these situations.

Student TF: Yea we do. That guy doesn’t know what he is talking about. I am your brain, I wouldn’t steer you wrong. We will stay up late and hammer this out and be out of this pickle in no time. 

Student [to brain]: You’re right. I don’t have the energy right now anyways. I'll crush my to-do list tonight and tomorrow morning. 

Student [to me]: I can totally do it. I am going to start up something today later, but I'll talk to my teachers. I can handle it. *Little to nothing gets done for the rest of the day and the student later sufferers anxiety symptoms

The Tangled Knot of a Self-Truth and a Lie

There is a difference between a student who is lying their way out of a difficult situation and someone who believes their truth factory, but the differences are subtle. When a student is consciously lying, often their body language and communication habits can betray them. You learn a person’s giveaways the more you work with them in these instances. 

Me: We talked about that math packet earlier today. How did that go? 

Student: *long awkward pause, eyes look up then down to their phone

Me: *wait patiently (deeply effective tool to let the silence hang for a bit, almost uncomfortably long) 

Student: It's done. (Rapid tone, attempted walk away) 

Me: The packet we talked about? The whole thing is done? That's great. Did you turn it into your teacher?

Student: I think so…maybe. I’m not sure. *Frantically looking for the truth factory manager who convinced them they could do this. Truth factory manager is nowhere to be found. 

Me: Alright I can go check real quick, I just want to make sure we got the work where it needs to be. 

Student: …You know what. I didn’t do that one. I can get to it though. 

Me: Alright, no problem. When do you want me to check in with you again? Or I can help you have a conversation with your teacher about a new game plan to get it done. 

I don’t want this student to dread future conversations with me, it would be detrimental to my ability to help them. Still, I want them to know I understand they may have truthfully committed to getting it done, but when it didn’t happen, lying their way out of it only makes the situation worse. 

It's a fine line to walk. Their truth factory convinced them they could get it done, and now to avoid shame they attempt to consciously lie about it. Recognizing these situations is part of the trade I work in and guiding student thinking is where the art comes in. What they often need is better inputs for their truth factory.

Better Inputs For Better Outputs

Again, the truth factory of our brain is only as good as it’s inputs, and if outputs are false, then my first priority is to use techniques that improve inputs. 

Reflecting back on my own dysfunctional truth factory as a student, I noticed I was always willing to make big commitments in the present that my future self would have to handle. Present me could make the promises because my truth factory told me so. No problem. Future me would have to deal with it. Even better. 

Inevitably future me would have to deal with all of this, and either I would fail or meet my commitments in a mad dash for the finish just before the deadline. I have cursed out my past self many times.

When I reflected on this simple defective habit of my life, it came to inform my technique of commitment, follow-up, and reflection.   

Me: I know the set of Chemistry worksheets are a priority for you. When do you want me to check in on that?

Student [to brain]: Quick. The accountability guy is here! What do you have for me? What can we do?

Student TF: You have like two hours open later today. Plenty of time to get that done. You’ll probably even have time to talk with friends and get lost on your phone…

Student [to brain]: Oh yea! Thanks! Perfect! 

Student [to me]: I'll get that done around 2 this afternoon. 

Me: Great, I'll prompt you later on that. 

Student: Ok

Student [to brain]: He said he would prompt us too. We are looking good. 

Student TF: You don’t even need that prompt. I got you. 

*I check in at  2 pm and leave them to it. 4 pm rolls around and the work isn’t done.

Me: Did that Chemistry work out? 

Student [to brain]: Why didn’t we get this done? We had TWO HOURS. 

Student TF: I don’t know. You probably dropped the ball or are a terrible student. *Floods brain with shame

Student [to brain]: You’re super helpful, you know that. *Curses themselves, their brain, school, anything within sight

Me: *Noticing signs of shame, frustration, fight or flight It's alright. You didn’t get it done. Would have been better if you had but let's make a plan. What is our time available for this tomorrow? I'll prompt you again. Also, what took up your two-hour open time block today?

Reflective conversation ensues revealing a swiss army knife of distraction and instant gratification known as their phone completely derailed their efforts. 

There is a secret weapon in the exchange above. I am an objective third party between the student and their brain to help them get past their blinding shame and guilt. So long as you can keep a student out of fight or flight, they can often come around to realize something they need to change to meet their optimistic past commitments. This small realization represents an extremely valuable truth factory input they will have the next time I do a check-in with them. I can bring up their own realization about their phone or other distractions the next time we talk. Do this process enough times, and I eventually become obsolete for the reflection to occur which is always the goal.

Me: Hey! Where are we at on that English paper?

Student [to brain]: Well? You heard the man. Where are we?

Student TF: Not that far, but you crush it when under the gun. Tell him you will get most of it done later today.

Student [to me]: Not super far, but far enough. I'll probably wrap it up later today. Like most of it anyways. 

Me: Awesome. Love that commitment. What does “most of it” mean? I know you have only about an hour to dedicate to it later. 

Student [to brain]: He wants to know what “most of it” means?! What does that mean!?

Student’s TF: Huh. Didn’t really figure that out. I guess…like two more pages because the requirement is three pages..so that's good, right?

Student [to brain]: I guess. Maybe. I don’t know. That's a lot and I only have about an hour open later today. 

Student [to me]: Like 2 pages. But if I don’t finish that much, I have some time tomorrow. 

Me: Alright so later today we aim for 2 pages complete. If we don’t, like maybe just one page, when can you get the rest of it done? I know it's due later this week, right?

Student [to brain]: Now he wants to know when we will complete all of it. Honestly, what are we looking at here? This guy won’t accept vague promises, so don’t steer me wrong. I don’t want another tough conversation about a failed commitment. 

Student TF: Ok honestly, like one page today, one more tomorrow, and if need be a third page and editing by the end of the week. 

Student [to brain]: Good plan. Future me should be able to pull that off

*An honest conversation continues between us about time commitments and how I can support with future check-ins

The TF can sometimes fire off a story and we take it immediately because it sounds good. If we pause, or in this case I make the student pause and reflect, we can see the issues with the story we first believed. Asking for specifics of a commitment is where we can help students break those initial false TF outputs. What does “Most of the paper” mean? When we take an extra second to define that, we see the issues with the story of most of the paper being completed in an hour. 

Me: Alright, what can you commit to for the next hour?

Student: Probably those three missing Spanish assignments. Yea I could get those done. 

Me: All three? With quality? That sounds like a lot. 

Student: I can do it. 

Me: Alright, let's get going on it. 

An hour later 

Me: How did the Spanish go?

Student: I got one done. 

Me: So you committed to three, but got one done. Love the one being done, but what happened to prevent all three?

Student: I worked most of the time, but only one is done. I can get the other two done tomorrow. 

Me: Sounds like a plan on the other two, but let's think about how long these things can take when we make commitments. I want you to have ample time to get your work done well. 

Student: Fair enough. 

There is a special power to hold someone accountable to their own words. I am acting as a messenger between their past self and their future self. Notice I didn’t include any truth factory here. 

Sometimes the TF can overcommit, other times the student may just want to end the difficult conversation with me quickly, so they make big promises to speed up our exchange. I don’t blame them. Discussing commitments and starting work that is not immediately gratifying can be unpleasant. Also, I am not entirely interested in this case deciphering whether it was their TF that over-committed, or just their desire to stop talking about difficult work. 

The point of this technique is to help them recognize I did not tell them what should be done, they said what they felt they could complete and I am delivering their own commitments back to them. When done repeatedly, it leads to a student pausing and being more realistic with the commitments they make moving forward. 

This technique can also be thwarted. I have had students who figure out this pattern and won’t make commitments verbally to me. While that then requires a different set of solutions, at the very least they are thinking about their time and commitments a little more honestly. 

*Checking in with a student who I have been working with for most of the year

Me: So what happened with the study guide?  Your teacher updated me it wasn’t complete. 

Student [to brain]: You told me we were good on that, and now here we are again. Having to answer for an incomplete. 

Student’s TF: Yea, but when we agreed to get that done, the day was so young. We had so much time. Then you lost that game. Remember? And you had a text fight with your dad. Remember that too? It was an awful day, how can we be expected to complete work under those conditions?

Student [to brain]: It was a really bad day. I guess there was no way anyone could have completed that packet. 

Student [to me]: It was a crazy day and I thought I could get it done. Some stuff came up and I lost track of time. 

Me: I hear you on the rough day. I get it. But you told me it was all good to go. I notice this is the third time something like this has happened. I know you have better habits, and your teacher just wanted you to be prepared as best as possible. He mentioned you have high ambitions for your grades this year. I am here to help you achieve that, but you have to be honest with me first. I can’t help if I don’t know what is actually going on. 

Student [to brain]: This guy is calling us out. What do we do?

Student’s TF: Normally I would say let’s lash out, how would anyone know us better than you and I?! But, admittedly, this guy has been helpful in the past. He seems to care and is almost annoyingly optimistic about what we can do. We should probably be more honest with him…

Student [to me]: Ok. I’ll work on it. 

Me: Sounds like a plan. I am here 100% for you. 

Building rapport with a student is like starting a bank account. You want to deposit far more than you withdraw. But sometimes a big withdrawal is needed. Calling someone out on something is a deeply vulnerable situation. It involves a blunt honesty that some aren’t ready to hear. But if you have built rapport well, and you call a student out on some false thinking, often they will acknowledge the validity of what you’re saying, because at some level they know you care. This is something I use rarely. It is deeply effective but if overused, it can turn into a power struggle or eroded trust.

Messes and Rewards

The above set of solutions are just a few of the tricks I have discovered over the years. There are more that help break perfectionism, bring perspective to someone having a bad day, or keep students motivated in the long haul for their goals just to name a few. As these tools are leveraged, a big goal should always be to help a person learn to do these things on their own. Better inputs can be attained individually, but students need external help sometimes. 

The point is always to keep adding more tools. You must stay consistently reflective as an educator. Human behavior is a deeply complex thing to interact with. Guiding it requires flexibility in thinking and patience in application. People need space and time to grow, and most importantly help in reflecting on why that growth even happened in the first place. Understanding the complexity of the psychological can increase a teacher’s capacity to give space and time. It helps to avoid false and overly simplistic labels for student behavior.  

Though there are no simple answers when working with humans, especially teenagers who are in a messy process of becoming who they want to be, it holds great inspiration. I consider it a privilege that these are the people I get to work with and they teach me more than they could ever know.